


If you could only see

by Reader_India



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Wincest - Freeform, season 5
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 16:26:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13551147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reader_India/pseuds/Reader_India
Summary: Sam knows he hasn't got much time left. So he decides to let Dean onto this little deep secret of his before he left the world for good... letting his brother see him for who, what, he really was.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sam's POV, mostly. This story arc takes place in the Season 5 timeline.
> 
> Disclaimer- I don't own Sam or Dean. There is no financial gain being made from this story.

“Let’s go out tonight, Sammy”, his brother had wheedled, “We’ll drink some, maybe kick a few asses in pool. Take our minds off this crapfest for a while.”

 ‘Crapfest’ was an accurate description of what passed for their lives currently. The devil was topside, the apocalypse looming large, and it was mostly their, _his_ , fault. Add to that the fact that they recently fought off a horde of freaking zombies. Taking a night off from all the supernatural drama seemed like an appealing prospect at the time.

And they’d had fun too, for the first couple minutes or so, after they found their way into this little dive. Dean had a real talent for sniffing out places like these. But now, Sam stood abandoned by the pool table as Dean flirted with a girl at the bar. She was a redhead, with an easy smile and a magnificent rack. The last attribute had his brother pretty transfixed, Sam noticed.

Feeling uncharacteristically mean, he goes over to join Dean and his new friend. “Hey Dean”, he greets casually. Dean looks as if he can’t quite believe that Sam is raining on his parade. “Hey”, Dean grits out, “What’re you doing here?” “Well, you said you’d get us the first round. Thought I’d come see what was taking you so long.” He turns to the girl who looks entertained at their banter and gives her a deliberate once over. He’s pleased to see the colour staining her cheeks, and flashes her a huge smile, dimples and all. “Hi! I’m Sam.” The girl appears to be thoroughly charmed because she smiles meaningfully back, “I’m Tiffany.” “Great to meet you Tiffany. Can we buy you a drink?”

“I got that covered Sammy.” Of course, that’s when Dean butts in. “Please excuse us Tiff, but _my brother_ and I need to sort some things out. I’ll be right back.”

Dean drags Sam to a distance and hisses urgently, “Dude, what is wrong with you?”

Sam glares at his brother who resembles an angry kitten, “What’s wrong with _you_? I thought we came here _together_ to take our minds off things.”

 “We did Sam. But nothing else takes your mind off things like a good, casual fuck, okay. Which is something I was working on before you so rudely interrupted.”

 “It’s like you aren’t even sorry to have ditched me like that.”

Dean laughs at his face at that. “Ditched you like that? Sammy, you sound like a jealous girlfriend.”

And that was uncomfortably close to the truth, so Sam asks Dean to shut up and Dean laughs some more as he makes his way back to the bar. When he risks a glance at the two of them, Dean seems to be explaining something, Tiffany nodding along. Sam turns his back to them, eyes burning in dejection. He never should’ve let Dean play him like that. Getting laid on their nights out is a tradition of sorts with Dean. Sam was the one pining for some alone time with his brother, stupidly hoping it won’t be like one of those nights. He wants to leave but spending the night all by his lonesome in the dingy motel room they’ve rented depresses him even more.

He decides to take Dean’s advice. _Nothing takes your mind off things like a good, casual fuck._

Sweeping his eyes over the crowd, Sam is disappointed to realise that Dean probably bagged the only decent piece of tail in the place. Until he sees _him_. He looks to be about the same age as Dean. Tall, muscular, with thick black stubble. He stands by the pool table at the very spot Sam had vacated a few minutes ago. Sam’s heartrate picks up when the man looks straight back at him with a piercing blue gaze and raises one dark eyebrow, in clear invitation. He smiles and starts walking towards the pool table.

It’s been so long since he last did this and part of him worries that this isn’t the way he wanted Dean to find out. But there’s also a sick, happy twist in his gut because this is going to get Dean’s attention for sure.

Stubbled guy’s name is Tyler and he is even more gorgeous up close. Sam stares at the way his shoulders strain at his grey henley and thinks they can give Tiffany’s boobs a run for their money. The thing with two guys hooking up was that they tend to be more upfront about wanting sex. So it isn’t long after making the customary introductions that Tyler is leaning into his space, dragging his finger down Sam’s chest.

Sam starts getting hard. He knows without looking that Dean is watching them from across the room. He’s not surprised to realise that it’s more Dean’s eyes than Tyler’s touch that’s doing this to him. Having spent his entire life under his brother’s gaze, Sam can feel Dean’s eyes on him as tangibly as an actual touch now, even if it is only for a split second. He revels in that, wants to have Dean’s eyes on him and only him all the time. He leans closer to Tyler, daring Dean to see him, to see him as someone desirable, not just the annoying little brother.

Someone clears their throat at his side. Sam gives an apologetic smile to Tyler and turns to face the interruption. “Can I help you with something Dean?” Dean looks flabbergasted, but makes a quick recovery, “Sammy, can I talk to you for a second?” Sam cranes his neck to find Tiffany standing by the door, staring at them. “Your date looks ready to leave. You shouldn’t keep her waiting.” He remembers to use his ‘No questions asked’ voice.

Dean accepts the dismissal quietly, probably because he was charting unfamiliar territory here. Sam gets the feeling that there’ll be lots of yelling and arguments in his near future to make up for this. For now, he’s grateful when Dean follows the girl out the door, only throwing Sam a confused look over his shoulder as he goes.

Sam knows that he is a horrible person because he feels a vindictive pleasure at how the tables have turned. Tyler tugs at his shirtsleeve.


	2. Chapter 2

Predictably, Dean gets on Sam’s case the moment he lets himself into their motel room later that night. “Since when’re you into guys?’

Sam’s relaxed and sated- that Tyler really knew how to show a man a good time- so he doesn’t mind being interrogated. “Since college, Dean.” He makes himself comfortable on the unoccupied bed. Then he realises that his words could be construed to mean something else, and amends. “I mean I’ve known it since way before college. I’ve looked at boys as well as girls in high school. You remember Suzie Heizer from my Biology class?” He waits for Dean’s emphatic nod. “Well, I also remember Ryan from the lacrosse team. Stanford didn’t turn me gay, or bi, more accurately. I just didn’t meet a dick other than my own until college.”

“How come I didn’t know ‘bout this? Or dad?”

“Dad…was a man of strong opinions, and he already disagreed with me on most things so --“

“You were scared of him.”

“Sure, let’s go with that.” Sam is certain that John Winchester was not a homophobe. Thirteen years old him just wasn’t aware of the correct protocol for informing his family that watching his big brother licking a popsicle had sparked a sexual orientation crisis.

“Did you think even I’d give you a hard time over this?” Dean looks troubled.

“Do you really wanna talk about our feelings now?”

“This is serious Sam. I gotta find out why my brother doesn’t trust me. I’ve been stewing over this for the last two hours while you were out having a jolly good time. Even turned down a perfectly willing hot chick.”

 “Aww… Dean you’re too kind.”

Dean bristles visibly at the flippancy and Sam sighs. Apparently, he was not getting out of this without a proper explanation.

 “Well, for a pretty long time after having my first wet dream about a guy, I used to think I was just confused or it was only a passing phase. Besides, it was just the one guy for the first couple of years so you can understand my confusion.” He wasn’t sure if he was attracted to boys in general or if it was just one particular boy. Homosexuality was fine, Dean-sexuality was not. Sam remembers learning a new word that year. _Incest._

“Did you love this guy or what?”

_Ouch._

“Nothing ever came off it Dean. The only thing worth knowing anymore is that,” he pauses dramatically, “he had the prettiest mouth that I often imagined wrapped around my cock.”

Dean makes an appropriate grossed-out face. Sam looks at his pursed lips and smiles ruefully. _Yep, still the prettiest mouth in all creation_.

He wills himself to continue with the reminiscing. “At college, I had a couple flings with guys here and there. I enjoyed it all. But it didn’t matter anymore once I met Jess.”

Then, softer, more to himself. “And once I had her, I thought it wouldn’t ever matter again.”

Dean hears him all the same because he drops the matter.

It’s much later, as Sam’s brushing his teeth in the bathroom, that it dawns on him. _I just came out to my family_. It’s good to finally have things out in the open because there’s a big bad coming and Sam knows he won’t survive the showdown. He is almost certain that his brother is fine with this new piece of information, but a tiny little part of him still seeks reassurance.

“Hey Dean…” Sam chews his toothbrush as he hollers the question, “we’re cool right?”

A sleepy drawl answers him unhesitantly. “I still think you’re a moody bitch but I will kick your ass if you even think that this is gonna make a difference to how I see you.”  

Then, just because he’s Dean, he adds snidely, “You still have a shitty taste in guys though. Going for Mr.’ I’m too cool to shave’. Looked like a creeper, that one. Bet he sucked balls in bed too. Wait… that didn’t come out right.”

Sam grins around his mouthful of foam, heart filling with lightness and love for the man in the other room.

Dean’s fast asleep by the time Sam gets ready for bed. As he settles under the covers, Sam stares at his brother. Dean is not an attractive sleeper. He sleeps with his mouth wide open and there are drool lines round his mouth, making his chin shiny with spit. Nonetheless, a wave of desire hits Sam like a sucker punch; so he turns away from the sight, realizing that he hadn’t yet given the whole truth out. He could never admit aloud that those first couple of guys in college had been to put Dean out of his mind. Dean thinks that Jess is, was, the one true love of Sam’s life. Sam doesn’t believe that he has, can or will ever love anyone the way he loves his brother. But Jess was a close second and he thought he could live with that. Loving Dean was involuntary. Loving Jess was a conscious, SAFE choice. Sam could play houses with her and pretend that he wasn’t some incestuous sicko who perved on his brother. He is ashamed because now he thinks of her more in guilt than with love.

Sam pulls the covers up over his head. This Apocalypse was bringing up things long buried. An old etymology lesson from Stanford buzzes around in his head as he drifts off to sleep. “ ** _Apocalypse_** _, noun. Origin- Old English, via Old French and ecclesiastical Latin from Greek_. _Meaning- ‘ **uncovering** ’ or ‘ **revelation** ’_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear readers. What do you guys think of this new chapter? Should I continue? Con- crit is welcome.


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